


I can't live here anymore

by Madeline_Serenity



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Drug Use, I'm Bad At Tagging, Lesson 16 (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) Spoilers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:20:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28027665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madeline_Serenity/pseuds/Madeline_Serenity
Summary: It's as if nothing ever happened. He'd been let in again like it was nothing. As everyone sat around, eating dinner, pleasant conversation was made like he'd always been there - like he never hurt you.You, however, was quietly picking at your food. You weren't hungry. You just wanted to be alone. Part of you wanted one of the brothers to notice your behaviour. To comfort you, let you know that it wasn't going to be like this forever. Another part of you just wanted to scream "help me". Pushing these emotions to the side, you quietly excuse yourself, and head to your room.It wasn't until Belphegor heard your sobs as he walks past, heading for bed. He opened the door and...
Comments: 6
Kudos: 120





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that this will be my first ever fanfiction. I will make mistakes and I apologise for that. The story may vary from the game's. Please read through the tags and decide for yourself if you can tolerate reading this. I don't want anyone getting triggered by this.  
> One final thing that I have to note: please, no matter what you're going through, don't lose hope. There's people who care for you, I care for you.

It's as if nothing ever happened. He'd been let in again like it was nothing. As everyone sat around, eating dinner, pleasant conversation was made like he'd always been there - like he never hurt you.

You, however, was quietly picking at your food. You weren't hungry. You just wanted to be alone. Part of you wanted one of the brothers to notice your behaviour. To comfort you, let you know that it wasn't going to be like this forever. Another part of you just wanted to scream "help me". Pushing these emotions to the side, you quietly excuse yourself, and head to your room.

It wasn't until Belphegor heard your sobs as he walks past, heading for bed. He opened the door and... he saw you. You were lying on the floor, hairs in disarray, and a disturbing combination of tears and hysteria. It was like having two personalities. One second you were crying, hands gripped tightly to your hair and scalp, screaming loudly. The next, you were laughing, still crying, but this time out of pure hilarity. He looked at you, shocked and confused, before he runs downstairs, mumbling to himself about how it was disturbing his nap. He said,  
"I think there's something desperately wrong with her. She's- I don't even know. She isn't acting like herself, and she definitely doesn't look well!"  
Lucifer hastily rose from his seat. The rest of his siblings looked at Belphie with confusion and concern.  
"Where is she? What happened, Belphie?" Lucifer questioned.  
"She's in her room, please, just hurry, it's scary to see her like that."  
All of the demon brothers stood and hurried to your room. By now, you had passed out completely. Now that he'd gotten a better look at your room, he'd found the cause of your condition. Bottle after bottle was lying on the floor like they were soldiers in a war against alcohol. The majority were opened, most empty. Some were obviously for other days, unopened but surely to be consumed shortly. It became very obvious that you'd been doing this for a while now. You wouldn't be able to drink this much in one night. It also explained some of your odd behaviours. You were intoxicated, and none of them noticed. It had become the norm for you. 

That was when Lucifer saw. Lying next to you. A small box of pills. A good amount were gone. The brothers rushed to your side, trying to wake you up, except for Lucifer, who was silently panicking. He went on autopilot, instantly contacting Lord Diavolo. It was the only thing that could make sense in this situation. Eventually you woke up just a little. The brothers forced you to vomit the medication up, while waiting on Diavolo. 

"MC," Beel was the first one to finally speak up. His voice was shaky and frightened for you. "Why? This is so dangerous..."

You felt so weak. So guilty, so... angry. Why? Sure, you'd drunk a little too much, but it relieved the stress. It helped, at least for a little while. You knew how to cope with small hangovers whilst at RAD and felt like nobody knew. Now, it was all falling apart, just because Belphie had told. You panicked slightly. Belphie had used before you. He had gained your trust, manipulated you and then... he... 

You started to shake and twitch, becoming more and more severe by the second. He was right next you.

You couldn't hear them anymore. You couldn't feel the nausea. Your vision went blurry. You were cut off from all your senses. All you could hear was Belphie's laughter. You could see your own bloodied corpse. You felt the pain. That sharp, stabbing pain that never went away. You were alive and well, but you'd wake up with terrible migraines, shaking from the nightmares. You weren't safe even in your own dreams. You weren't safe in Devildom. You tried to move, but it hurt. It hurt so bad.. You cried out in pain. You felt Lucifer pulling you into his embrace, as the brothers comforted you.   
"It's all going to be okay, just hang on-"  
Those were the last words you could properly decipher before you blacked out.   
You could tell you were hearing Lord Diavolo's voice. But you couldn't tell what was being said. You tried to call out to them, but everything else was nothing more than a distant memory.


	2. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You'd slowly regained consciousness.  
> You have a lot to explain - and you weren't ready.  
> Luckily, you had all the time in the world to recover from the attempt.

Lucifer's POV:

_It all happened so fast. Her condition deteriorated so quickly... her small, weak cries for help. They teared my walls right down. I had to let go of the pride._

_Now, everything is quiet. We're all just waiting for her to wake. Belphie won't sleep. Mammon isn't absorbed in one of his money making schemes. Beel won't eat. It's just... nobody has been in a good place since. I had tried to stay strong for the others. I did. But what's the point? I don't feel strong. I feel powerless._

_Lord Diavolo has set up this room so MC can be properly taken care of. It's almost like we're in a hospital. I take a look at my brothers._

_MC shuffles around a bit, preferring to sleep on her side. We all look at her, hope gleaming in all of our eyes. She might not be awake, but she's alive. and that's all that matters._

MC'S POV:

_Everything is so quiet, yet so loud. I can't hear anything but that accursed laughter. The psychotic laughter. I don't want to die... not again. I'm scared of Belphegor. I can't speak with him without going into a panic. I can't look at him._

_I might be alive now, but that body. It was **mine.**_ **He hurt me. Not just a random person. The pain... I can still feel it. I feel an incoming headache. I'm having a nightmare. Wake up, please... just, no more...**

"Help me"

Everyone looked at MC. "Help me". Beel gently started shaking her awake. Lucifer pulled his hand back. MC started to wake. 

MC'S POV: 

I woke up to see fourteen eyes staring at me. They're concerned... for me?

Lucifer stands and gently embraces me.

That's when I remember - I tried to combine drugs and alcohol and...

The tears come flooding back. I didn't even attempt to hold them back. I sobbed into his arms, which quickly became all seven of theirs. 

I see bandages wrapped around my arms. They found the wounds. All of my unhealthy and dangerous coping mechanisms.

Soothing circles were being massaged on my back, by... Belphie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know is suffering, please call the Drug & Alcohol Helpline or Lifeline Suicide Prevention.  
> I've called Lifeline. I can confirm - they're very supportive and understanding. Before your call/chat session ends, they help you make a 'safe plan', a list of things you can do to get those thoughts out of your system. And, if your life is in danger, they will send emergency services to your location.  
> They care about you and your life, and so do I. Never give up on yourself, because you only live once.
> 
> "You only fail when you stop trying" - Albert Einstein


	3. Rest Now, Explanations Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer, noticing your distress at the thought of having to explain yourself, allows you time to rest. You'll have to talk eventually, but for now, you have time to take a breather.  
> This chapter is like an extension of Recovery. I wasn't okay with how little I wrote in that one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read this so far!  
> I will add a new chapter every day until it is complete.  
> I have a long way to go when it comes to fanfics but I promise to try my hardest.  
> (quick edit: some may take over a day to make, writing so much and trying to keep you guys pleased is emotionally and psychically draining so I might just wanna take a day to not do one to cool down a bit)

Diavolo entered the room, happy to see you awake. He gestured for the brothers to leave the room, except Lucifer. He whispered something to the six. After they did, he finally spoke up. "You had us all worried sick there. What happened? What did you do?" The two looked at you in concern, awaiting an answer that wasn't going to come. You felt a wave of guilt wash over you. "..." You weren't ignoring the question. It was as if your lips were stitched together. You couldn't open your mouth. You couldn't speak. The tears started up again. Lucifer sat beside you on the bed and placed your hands in his. "My Lord, maybe we should just leave her alone. Once she gets healthy again, she'll have gotten herself together again and we can figure out what happened?" Lucifer suggested. Diavolo gave a silent nod. Just then, there was a quiet, gentle knock on the door. Diavolo stood. "Alright then. MC, we can talk later. Please rest well. I won't assign any more homework for now." As he left the others came in with probably more food than Beel himself could stomach. Then again... maybe _not._

It went back to being hugged gently.

"I-I'm so sorry... everyone..." you started. "I didn't t-think about what I w-was doing.."

"Why?"

That single word was enough to send the salty tears flooding. You looked at Beel. He looked at you.

"I was... _**scared**_."

Everyone turned to face you. 

"Of what? If there's something or someone bothering you we can take care of them! Just please - tell us... I don't wanna lose you." Beel was crying now. It broke your heart to see him like this. The soft and sweet Beelzebub who was so kind and loving towards you didn't want you to leave. You wiped the tears from your cheek with the back of your hand. You turned to look at Belphie. You didn't know what to say. Your emotions were a mess. You were sad. Guilty. Sorrowful, _in pain, you were **furious. You were absolutely furious. He had hurt you. And nobody had cared. It was all** 'oh you're alive cool everything is good now' _**NOTHING. WAS GOOD. You were scared of this... creature, this thing that had caused you to suffer. To feel torment. To DIE. You couldn't get over this.** **He'd...** _killed you! The trauma, the pain, the fright... none of it ever went away! And they were okay with this. You were just a mere speck_ _compared to them. You didn't matter in the grand scheme of existence. You meant nothing. They were lying to you. To gain your trust and hurt you! They were demons. They wouldn't just... feel sympathy for a useless object like yourself._

You tried to deafen the noise in your head. "Stop this... I don't like it- please..." Lucifer shooed everyone out again and tried to soothe you. 

"You're having a nervous breakdown. Deep breaths, MC. It's going to be okay." He rocked you gently, calming you just a little with the subtle movement. "What's going on? You don't have to explain it all right now, far from that. But I need to know what's going on, what caused you to take such extreme risks to find comfort."

You sobbed loudly.

The rest of the brothers sat outside, their hearts shattering at the pained noises you were making. They wanted to be with you! To soothe you out of this pained time of your life. They wanted to kick the door down, and run to you and hug you. Believe me, Satan had tried! Mammon and Levi were holding him back. Asmo remained silent. The second you were allowed out of here, he'd spoil you rotten. He'd let you know just how much you meant to him and he would confess his feelings for you. If he had lost you forever he would never forgive himself. That was all of the brothers' plans, they all wanted to be the one who captured your heart and never let go.

They all listened in, desperate to hear the cause.

"Belphie" you said. "I don't wanna die... none of you cared anyways..."

Belphegor stood there, frozen in shock. This was his fault. He collapsed as all of his brothers went to help him. It was because... of _him. He was the reason MC had tried to kill herself. Because she would rather die unconscious than die the way he had ended her, and she couldn't live with the trauma. She had felt like nobody cared! Because he was forgiven. He didn't deserve forgiveness. He'd ruined the love of his life's, well, life._

Lucifer looked at you and made his decision.

"Rest, MC. We can help you, but we need you to recover first."

" _Rest now, explanations later."_


	4. We have to get past this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Belphegor takes it into his own hands to sort out MC'S predicament- starting with a heartfelt chat to get everything off of both's chests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's gonna be **right** in the feels.  
> Sorry I didn't write this earlier! I was all stressed out but I have this sense of responsibility that really screws me over sometimes, so of course I had to keep going!  
> (This series may end with a Belphie x MC because why not, it's cute. I just write off the top of my head, then edit it to make it to the best of my ability, so I have no proper 'this will happen then this', rather, 'I know how this will end, keep writing until you get to that point').  
> Happy reading :) (or sad because right in the feels)

Belphie's POV:

_It isn't fair._

_But to me or to her... I don't know._

_I want to go to her. I want to soothe her! But she doesn't care... because I hurt her. I said sorry! I would never had harmed her lest I had known she was Lilith's_ _descendant. My sister..._

_No. She has a reason to shut me out. To hate me. I used her. I knew what I was doing. It's unfair to her, and justice for my actions is deserved._

_So why can't I stop crying? **Why can't I just be there with her?!?**_

He couldn't take it anymore. He tried to wrestle his way out of his brothers' arms, however Beel noticed. 

"You can't. She's distressed that you'll hurt her. Being with her will make it worse!" 

"Please... just let me speak to her!" Belphie's cries were loud and desperate. His voice even cracked a little.

You could hear him. Even through the sobbing, and Lucifer's calming voice. He wanted to speak to you.

Would he hurt you again? Would you clear things up? Trust him or don't trust him? A million questions flowed through your head. The anxiety of not knowing his intentions frightened you. You clenched your eyes shut. You couldn't think clearly. You couldn't remember anything. All your brain could process was 

1\. Your tears were flowing down your face

2\. You were scared

3\. You were lying down, with your head and back propped up

4\. You heard loud screaming, everything was a blur except your name...

...those exact same things happened on the day you had died.

5\. _**Somebody was holding on tight to you, clearly not going to let go.**_

6\. _**Feeling their embrace, you could tell that they could overpower you easily.**_

You didn't know what was going on. You could feel your sore throat as you screamed. As you tried to force this person off of you. You panicked. You couldn't function.

_"Please stop" you felt yourself say. "Please.. no more. don't hurt me again..."_ You heard the door open.And then- It hurt. A sharp, stabbing pain in your arm. As you cried out, you felt this figure holding you.

"It's okay, MC. Just let yourself fall asleep." Sleep. Were you going to die? Is this guy and whoever just came in murdering you?!? 

"N-no... please..." You felt a warm hand on your cheek, and two more helping you to lie down once more. Your eyelids relaxed... you relaxed. You felt sleepy... You felt something being pulled out of your arm, before you passed out once more, listening to that soothing, deep voice.

"Hi, Mc."

You opened your eyes slowly and groaned. Your head was sore.

"What happened?"

You blinked a few times to clear your eyes. Was that Belphie?

"You had a panic attack and almost hurt Lucifer. Satan helped make a sleeping potion but we couldn't force you to drink it in that state so he injected it." You rubbed the sore patch on your arm which had been wrapped up a little too tight. "Oh, is it uncomfortable?" You felt him sit beside you. He unwrapped the bandage, took a fresh one of you a drawer beside you, and wrap it up again. It had a little bit of redness, but otherwise it looked like they had been very safe about injecting said potion into it. Probably one of Satan's books. He had taken a particular interest in humans, so of course he'd have a book around the subject. Surely if he had helped you with the tight bandages... he must not have such bad intentions after all. You had trust issues when it came to him, but your gut said to trust him. "Listen, MC. I'm not going to ignore what happened. You lost it because I hurt you. We should talk about this, and get it off both of us. I know I caused... so much of this. No, all of this. It's my fault. I caused myself a lot of guilt though. I really want to help you, and I'd really appreciate if you'd listen to me, too.

Diavolo, unbeknownst to the two of you, was listening in. You were seeming to get along again, at last. He smiled at that. He was listening so he could find his answer, and believing that he had, he went to leave, but suddenly you spoke up.

"No- it was a lot of things. Don't blame yourself, I didn't have the best childhood. I just got scared.. scared you'd hurt me again but now I know! You won't. At least... I think you won't?"-

"I won't. You have my word!" he promised.

You hugged him tightly. You had a long way to go, but you didn't have to be scared anymore. You were indeed safe here. 

"Hey, do you... do you see me as me, or as Lilith?" you asked.

"I see you. All I see is 'hey, this girl is related to my sister's reincarnation'. I see you as you. You're different. It's hard to explain. Is that why you felt like we didn't care? Because you felt as if we only saw her instead of you?"

"Yes..." you admitted. He was right, your chest felt lighter. 

He hugged you. 

"I will always protect you. Whether it's from Satan's anger, a random demon at RAD, or from myself. I will never let you get hurt again, I promise."

Diavolo grinned. He had _quite_ the story to tell Lucifer!


	5. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The repercussions of the past few days has affected everybody:  
> Especially you and Belphie.   
> This may be the finale, but seeing as I get exhausted from trying to make these to the best of my ability, that's very likely- I may return to this someday!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the massive wait. (Especially after promising to update this daily!)  
> I'm not going to bother you guys with my excuses and instead offer my sincerest apologies.   
> I hope you all had an amazing Christmas Day! ^^ The celebrations have already died down at home :(  
> What did you receive/give? 
> 
> Again, this may be the final chapter. Thank you all for your continuous love and support: this was originally because I needed to vent (I was raised in a place where talking about your problems was taboo for kids and adults could take it out on us/vent to us about problems we should not have heard, earning me trust issues and an inability to speak about what went on inside my head) but I see you guys like it too.   
> *free hugs available here* (つಥʖ̯ಥ)つ⊂(´𓋰`⊂)ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ  
> Thank you so much for continuing this far into this trainwreck.  
> Yours truly, Madeline_Serenity <3

This is it- the day I finally return to the House of Lamentation. 

Lord Diavolo was kind enough to keep this very secretive, so nobody else but him and the brothers know where I was and what happened. I thanked him, but he didn't want to accept my gratitude, preferring to settle with that he was "Fine with knowing, that you're okay, MC!" 

...

Honestly, I'd just like to go home, but at the same time, I can't imagine life without the others. Life used to be so... easy. Fun. Just overall, less stressful. But was it really? I feel like when I first came here, another set of weights were set on my shoulders. Then, getting to know these guys and just enjoying myself as if I were a young, fearless and careless child lifted both sets off. I was fearless and careless again, and the raincloud above my head disappeared. I legitimately loved myself and my life for the first time since the beginning of my adulthood. Imagine being a demon or an angel. You'd have so long to live, but if you were sad? You'd have all the time in the world to find your centre, your place, your _home._ You'd never have to die sad and alone for you'd make so many happy memories, friends and new-found family-

"What'cha writing, MC?" Belphie's voice frightened the life out of me! I guess I got so absorbed in my journal **_not diary, those are for kids_** , I assured myself, that I didn't realise that Belphie and Lucifer had come to get me, and I made sure to voice my frustration.

"Belphie! _Please, for the love of God, don't scare me like that!_ "

"I-I'm sorry MC!! I didn't mean to-" he frantically apologised.

"I write here to kind of... let my emotions out, write about my day, you know?" I interrupted him. (with no intentions of being rude, of course!)

I felt two pairs of strong, warm arms entangle me in their embraces. 

"I am always here if you need to talk. Belphie, I presume you want to speak with MC? I'll wait outside for you two." Lucifer's voice surprisingly calm and solemn. 

I turned to Belphie. He was- **_so close!_**

_He pressed his lips up against mine, closing the gap between us. A soft, gentle kiss gradually became rough, greedy and passionate, shoving me up against my pillow. He kissed and sucked my neck, before blowing cold air up against the markings he left on me. To say I was "hot and bothered" is a massive understatement._

I don't remember much of the journey back to the House, but I remember pulling him up to his room in the attic. I felt a little intimidated by the place, still, but I hadn't cared. Snuggling against him, kissing tenderly, until...

"MC, will you be my girlfriend?"

"Do I have a choice in the matter?" I giggled.

"I guess not. Meet me here at sunset tomorrow. The horizon is beautiful... you know... if you're still awake to see it."


End file.
